Not What I Was

You know, growing up in a Christian home, we had drilled into us over and over again how important it is, every day to be very careful and conscious of our actions and testimony before others and God. I remember hearing over and over again that my testimony is so important before our fellow man, because once you ruin it with someone you can not ever get it back with that person.

I remember thinking, really? That is so not fair, what about second chances? What about the fact that no matter what we do wrong, God will forgive us when we ask for it and He will give us chance after chance to get it right. I also know the Bible says God "forgives your sins as far as east is from the west to remember them no more," so if God forgives and forgets, so should the people we know and even the ones we don't, right? Right... Well, I learned quickly, in the "real world" it doesn't work that way at all. People hold grudges, even people we don't know, will hold everything in your past against you. 

Is that really fair, no not really, but I know that we as human beings, we are the most judgmental bunch on the planet. We will constantly remind you over and over again of all your past transgressions, even when you think it is done and over with, just one day, out of the blue, usually YEARS LATER, they will say, "oh but that one time..." I just want to say, "oh really, you want to go there now? What about...?" I try so hard not to do that, I try with everything in me to not be like everyone else I know, but sometimes, when you are right in the middle of the most irritating conversation and immature attitudes, even I have found myself acting a bit "high schoolish" too. I am not proud of that part of me, but I have been known to be a bit immature once in a while.

Through the grace of God though, I have found myself through the more recent years, to be less back biting, and less childish when someone begins to throw my past in my face. I really had to face a time through my life, when God called me to a place of ministry and to a place of worth in my walk and in His will, that I have had to allow the Holy Spirit to lead an guide my walk and my talk when others begin to bring up things in my past that I am not necessarily proud of, but happened anyway. I know that God has forgiven me, I know God has called me out into the world to preach the Gospel, to teach and be a light to young women, teens, wives, their spouses, families, and even recently, God has shown my husband and I, there should never be a limit to our outreach. He wants all to come to salvation and repentance, so our ministry should not be limited to just a few. 

God has shown me my way through His will, am I there all the way yet? No, definitely not, He works on me, with me, and through me day after day, and I am learning each day how much more I need to grow and depend on Him, but that I must also be that beacon for anyone else who needs Him, needs to be pointed to the way to God. The Holy Spirit is living in me, working through me, and showing me and giving me more and more of the fruit of the spirit every day. No I am not the most patient, but God is building patience through all of our tests, trials, and through my daily growth in Him.

I am learning how to not just let the Holy Spirit live in me, but to consume me, so that I am filled to over flowing with God's love. Renewing my mind and sanctifying myself daily is a big part of it, but also, through reading the Bible, having real, meaningful conversations with my Lord, and thanking Him for sending Christ to die on the Cross for me to have eternal life, which causes me to spend more time in worship and praise with Him, which draws Him nearer, makes my day fuller and even more full of joy than you can imagine. 

The Bible says that "He inhabits the praises of His people..." which is what draws the Lord near, and I find the peace that I need to be still and listen to God, to know that no matter what the trial, no matter who reminds me of my past, "one more time..." God reminds me, with all His love, It is NOT what I was, but What and Who I am in Christ, NOW that is important, that is what qualifies me to be His Child and to work for Him now. That is what helps me to be the best I can be, to live my life in Christ without lies from Satan, without pain and heartache that Satan gives others to pass on to me, but to live my life IN CHRIST, as HIS CHILD, holy, righteous, and separated for His work, and His leading. 

You can to, just let God work in your life. Let Him change your heart, let Him change your mind and life. He can help you see what you can become through a life full of the Holy Spirit and through His love. You can see that you are worthy, you can see that you are loved. He says in Jeremiah, "before you were out of the womb, I knew you and called you..."  You have been called out, ordained to a higher calling in a life with Christ living in you, through you, and for you. Will you let Him be your guide and strength? 

No Turning Back!

Sometimes we wonder why we have to go through the things we go through in our lives. Is it God's test, Karma, Bad MOJO, or is it just plain bad luck? I know that many would say, "it is just the way life goes sometimes" I just don't believe that at all, I don't believe life could just happen to always go down hill for one person or another, and then another have nothing but Sunshine and Roses, for everything they touch, and it just "is that way." There has to be a reason, but what it is, I will never know. 

I have been raised that you just keep on, keeping on, through the good times, bad times, through strength and trials. That everything happens for "God's plan" and that "everything works together for good, to those who love the Lord, to them who are called, according to His purpose." No matter what, you don't question God's will, you just do what you have to do for God, You share God's love and grace to others, and God will take care of the rest.

I know this to be true, to be ready day in and day out for anything that comes our way, good, bad and the ugly. As a Child of God, I know beyond all doubt that He is always there, that He has promised to be your strength and guide and to always give you a way of escape. I know that with every trial there comes a victory. Satan will keep pouncing on you, and keep at you when you are walking with God, when you are doing the things that God wants you to do, the things and go the places that God has set your feet to go. Satan wants to see if there is a final breaking point. He wants to see you writhe in fear and torment. ONLY because he knows one day, he will spend an eternity in Hell doing the same with no relief in sight, ever, so he wants to see God's Children suffer as long and as much as he can before he gets there. 

I look at all we have went through this past couple of years, all we have lost and struggled with this past year, and somedays when I begin to wonder and question how much longer, I stop my self, I turn to God and pray. I look through the scriptures to see comfort and peace. I look at all God's Children have went through and all that have suffered for the cause of Christ. I think, wow, even with all that has been lost or all that is gone from my life, and I am still doing better than Job, David, Saul, and Solomon. I feel blessed that God has chosen me to serve Him, I feel humbled that for the choices I have made and the steps I walk with God every day, Satan has seen me, little ole' me, as a threat to his "master plan," for who am I? 

I find myself feeling blessed and humbled that God has CHOSEN me, for His cause. That God sees something inside of me, that has worth in His Kingdom. I am so amazed that God has seen something in me, that He looked beyond all my faults, my wandering and going astray, and called me to a life of service, to a life suitable for His Kingdom and His Glory. I am His Child. I am God's Child. I want to follow HIM everyday, no matter what the circumstances, no matter the trial or test that Satan puts in my way, I WILL SERVE and PRAISE GOD, NO MATTER WHAT, for He is my refuge and my strength. 

Everything, all tests, trials, ups and downs, the loss and gain, will all be worth it someday, when I see Him face to face, when my Children stand before God all together and say, our family is here because we stood, faithful and strong. We served you, we held on to each other and to your strong hand, to work for you, to love you, and to love others to the Kingdom of God. I know I can't wait to hear Him say, "Well Done, My Good and Faithful Servants, Come on in."

Hold Tight or Let Go?

You teach your children and family some boundaries, rules and when they are a little older the rules and boundaries should change some, a little longer bedtime, a longer curfew, allowed to do more on their own, and hold mommies hand less. But then as a mom, you have to learn to let those things happen and learn what things to let go of, to learn to just be there when they need you as opposed to hovering all the time to make sure they get it right.

You have to come to a day when you have to believe in yourself that maybe, just maybe, you didn't do such a bad job raising your kids, that maybe you have taught them right from wrong and that your words will ring LOUDLY in their ears when they are faced with a choice on their own and you are not there to tell them "no." Is it okay, to not want to let go? Is it okay to want to hold on, just a little while longer and just peek once in a while to see how you did in raising your kids? Is it wrong of a mother to want to shelter her children from EVERYTHING, all the hurt, disappointment and pain that you know they are going to face, even when they are trying so hard to get it right? 

No, it isn't wrong to feel those things. It isn't wrong to want only the best for your children, it isn't wrong at all to want your children to never fall down and get hurt, to never have someone hurt them intentionally or not intentionally, just because. It is never wrong to want to be the best mom possible and to want your children to only face the best things in life and never have to have a bad day. As long as you realize, that with all your heart, no matter how much you want those things for your children, you realize that it can never happen the way a mother plans for things to be in life. 

The best we can do and hope for, is that all the choices we have made for them up to a point in their lives, all the teaching, singing, hoping, praying, and guiding we did become a huge part of their heart and soul. That when they are faced with life's real challenges, they know in their hearts what is right and wrong and that they have the presence of mind to choose the right path that God has opened for them. 

How Far Do You Have to Go?

You know we live our lives, day to day. We don't take the time we need to speak to God, to allow God to speak to us. We make compromises day in and day out on our lives, love, children's education, and so much more, we compromise our stand with God to others, to ourselves, to our children, on a daily basis, then we wonder why we can't hear his voice. We wonder why when we reach out to him we feel as if he is not even there. Why do we do that to ourselves?

God says, "Be Still, and know that I am God!" He also says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." Then we are so busy, so hurried in our lives that we don't have time nor the inkling to Be Still. We don't want to take the time to listen to what he has to say. Then when everything falls apart, when you are facing the trials and tribulations that seem to be the heaviest things to bare, we blame God. We say, "he is so far away, I don't think he can hear my prayer, he is just to far for me to reach, why did he leave me here all alone."

You know, in Proverbs 3:5 It says, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understandings, In all thy ways Acknowledge HIM and he shall direct your paths." If we took the time to acknowledge him, took time to just TRUST that he has made these promises to us, that he isn't walking away from us, but that we are too busy for him. We are the ones that quit "Seeking FIRST the kingdom of God, and HIS righteousness." (Matthew 6:33a) and we wonder why the promise of... "All these things will be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33b) isn't happening in our lives.

How far do you have to go to see God? How far do you have to go to lean on him? How far do you have to go to allow this God and Savior in your life so he can give you the abundance and joy that he wants to give you?

How far did he go for you? Would you believe that he went ALL THE WAY TO THE CROSS for you? He took on the torment of beatings with the worst tool ever made to receive the 39 stripes on his back for you, He took being despised and shamed, being totally disrobed hanging on the cross naked, spat upon, beaten, with a crown of thorns on his head, FOR YOU. He took SPIKES, not picture nails, BUT SPIKES, in both his hands and his feet FOR YOU. He had spear thrust through his side, FOR YOU. He took on the weight of the world, he took on YOUR SINS even though you wasn't there, you were there in HIS MIND, IN HIS HEART. HE SAW YOU. He took on your sins, my sins, the entire worlds sins, so that we could have this ONE ON ONE relationship with HIM. So we could live eternally WITH HIM in HEAVEN.

How far is too far? How far are you willing to go for him now?

Which Way Do You Go?

I have been a mom for 19 years now, it seems that I am so confused sometimes and that I wonder if I am doing it right. I wonder if the words I say, the rules I laid down, and the teachings from God's word and praying them through without succumbing to the influences of society, if that will be enough. So many times they tell me they look up to me, that I am their best friend, but how long will that last? How long will they see me as an authority figure and a friend? Did they ever see me as both? Does it even matter anymore.

Then I think my goodness girl, LOOK at these kids, look at how amazing they are; they give their all to you, to please you, even when they don't always do it. Sometimes you just keep speaking, teaching, and praying, and you pray that you are the loudest voice they hear over and above all the outside influences in their lives. You have taught them to Be Still and Listen to the Lord. To know that He is God and Lord of all, but you also pray that they don't forsake the things you have taught them, that they won't forget the words you have said, and the example you tried to be for them.

I have never hid my past from my children. I am not ashamed of my past, I don't regret it either, I feel that my past, all the mistakes I made, all the troubles, and all the successes, they all make me who I am today. By the grace of God, I have found who I am, I have found the path that God has set for me. He has shown me which way to go, and I am not turning back.

I pray that in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, that my children will be able to remember all the things I have taught them, they will remember the things I have learned and have tried to show them how God has turned my life around and how He can be the LEADER and LORD of their lives, to show how God will show them the paths of righteousness and truth that God has for them. I tried to show them how to live Holy, Separated and how to walk in HIS light, in HIS truth, and HIS way for HIS children to go. I pray they won't get tired of hearing His voice, or grow weary of me speaking the things of God to them regularly.

I know in my heart, with everything in me, that my God, is the ONLY way for me. I have tried the others, they only lead to unhappiness, loneliness, despair, and shame. I have not always been so proud of the things I have done, but I am proud beyond all belief of my children, I am happy with my life and the love in my life. I am so glad that I found it before it was too late, and I am so happy that He has touched my life in so many ways.

Everyone has to find their own path, they have to make the decision on their own, whether to follow God or to follow the things of the world, they have to know what will make them happy and what will make them miserable. But in my on wanderings and going astray, I can truly tell you, that once I realized that in following the path of God, taking the step towards renewing my mind, creating the mindset that the Word of God was true and right, it gave me clarity, faith, hope, and so much peace beyond all belief. He gives me peace. No more anxiety of the future, of the past, or how I can be forgiven, live the life that God has for me. I know, that I know, that I know that I am on the path that God has set my feet to, that I am walking with the right man by my side, and that the teachings I am giving to my children are right and true. Thank you God for that peace, thank you God for that undeniable, unshakable faith and hope that is in my heart and my mind. I know it is all going to work out for the good of the Lord. Some how, some way, I don't know, be I am not the one in control. HE IS.

Who has the easier job, Mom or Dad?

I am a member of several social networking groups, and one of the asked me 20 questions about myself as a mom. I was sort of set back at first because I thought, "No one has ever asked me about ME." Everyone wants to know about the babies, everyone wants to know how daddy is adjusting, but I realized after 18 1/2 years of being a mom, no one has ever said, "let me ask you about being a mom, about how you feel about it, how are you adjusting to it?"

I spent my time going through the questions, and I attempted to earnestly answer the questions, I wanted to be very open, hopefully help a young mother along the way... Then I got this question, "Who has the easier job, Mom or Dad?"

It hit me, Wow, can I just take a minute to tell you my answer... All open, honest, and sometimes tearful, but as it was definitely deeper than they probably expected, but it was what I needed to get out and off my chest. Even though I am a pastor, I still have my personal, flesh side that sometimes tries to lash out irrationally.

Here is my answer to "Who has the Easier Job, Mom or Dad?"

I believe that in most cases, the Dad has the easiest job. Even though many are present in the kids' lives, they are still only 1/2 way there. Mothers are expected to get up in the AM for the bus, have breakfast already thought of, lunch bought, made or on the way, and supper already in the works several days before it happens.

We are called on when they bruise their leg, cut themselves, the bug almost got them, or they have to be somewhere the next morning at 5am... Let dad sleep.

We are the ones that everyone contacts about the kids when they are in trouble, when they are hurting or need help with their homework.

When is dad called on? To coach ball team, if he wants, take the son to boy scouts, if he can...

Men's rolls always seem conditional, where a woman is the one who is called on and expected to be the parent.

When a man needs a break, he can get up and go, when a woman needs a break, she has to hire a baby sitter or beg parents to take the kids for the day.

When a marriage is over, most men assume the kids are going to stay with mom and that is that... then when they are tired of being dads, they just quit coming around, quit calling, they can decide when not to come around to see the kids or choose not to come on his designated weekend just because it is inconvenient. But if you need him to switch weekends or take them on an extra day, it is like you have asked them to stop their entire world to commit murder.

Then it is the mom who has to wipe the tears when daddy doesn't show up for their sports game, concert or birthday party. And you are the one that can't make the hurt go away when Daddy has let them down again. It is the Mommy that cries herself to sleep at night because you can't keep your beautiful child from the pain and hurt they are going through.

And it is Daddy they hold on the pedestal and think of as perfect when mommy has to come down on them, or tell them no.

I don't know, who am I, who do you think has the harder job?

This New Journey

As I begin each new journey of my life, I stop and reflect on the one before. I do not hold on to the past as I did when I was younger, longing for days that were better than others, longing for something that never should or could have been. But reflecting on the cherished moments in time, how I will do things differently if a situation represented itself once again, or thinking on a loved one that has gone on before during the last leg of my journey.

I pray that I am a bit wiser this time, that I would handle some situations better, with more insight, more maturity, more strength and integrity. I pray that God has granted me the wisdom and fortitude to face the mountain yet again but this time with a different reaction, different path, and different outcome so I do not have to face that mountain yet again, because of failure or lack of better response this time around.

I look to God as my source of strength and my source of hope. I am glad for the husband he has given me. Even today, I turned to him and said, "I need to just curl up in your arms for a minute or two." His reply to me was, "I need to do the same, because everything is right when I am holding you in my arms." Good answer, and just what I needed to hear right then, in this trial. God gave me an amazing partner, even if we have to go around this mountain again, at least it is together, in agreement, and as one. Finally. Not just a husband, but a perfect counterpart, a friend, and the love of my life.

Thank you God for giving me this man to walk together in life.