You know, I have been on my own for a long time. Even through my first marriage, I was alone. He was there, he helped with the kids, and we had supper every night, talked about our day, put the kids to bed, But I wasn't there. I wasn't whole.
I always felt like I was carrying the entire world on my own shoulders. I had to be the one to work, I had to be in control of the finances, I had to know where the next meal was coming from, I had, I had, I had...
Whew... That wears me out just thinking about it again.
Even now, in this marriage to my wonderful husband, I have struggled with control. I have struggled with always having to make all the decisions, always having to know what was going on and what everyone is thinking. I have to know so that there are no surprises. But you know what happens when you have to be in control all the time? You don't let God rule your life. You don't ALLOW God to bless you and to show you that HE IS in control.
When life is throwing hardships at you, when you are facing the brick walls and can't find a way out. Everytime you have to decide between famine or rent, utilities or gas, children's clothes or having a home to stay in... Trust me, there are real people out there, MAKING THESE DECISIONS EVERY DAY. But when you take control and cannot let go and LET GOD help you, there is always a bigger struggle.
I have been known to fight tooth and nail days in and out. Taking on more than I can handle with work, bills, bank accounts, and with my client's promising more that can be done than one person could possibly do in a day. Just to have the control, to make the ends meet somewhere. So that I know that it is done. So that I can sleep and not worry about what is being disconnected, what is being reposessed, what is being turn down. I was always in a frenzy. I couldn't sleep, eat, hold my children calmly, I couldn't think, and I just couldn't no matter what I was saying I was doing, I couldn't pray.
If I prayed, then I would have had to give it all up. I would have had to let go and let God. I would have had to say, I can't do it on my own. It was something I wasn't willing to admit to my own husband, how in the world could I admit that to the almighty God? Right? How could I ever tell Him that this child He put on earth to do His bidding couldn't handle everything. Wasn't perfect. How could I tell Him that I wasn't all He had hoped for in His Child. Isn't that how it works? To be God's child, we have to be everything He is and more?
Ha, ha, ha, right... That is what He wanted. Someone who knew it all, was perfect in everyway, and someone that already knew it all. Right? Ohhh, my, I couldn't have been more wrong.
You see, God doesn't want perfection. If He only called the perfect and the qualified, than He would have to do it all Himself, because there isn't a human on earth, that are all those things. No matter how polished Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, Jimmy Swaggart, Joel, Olsteen (or his wife), Beth Moore, Stormy O'Martin, or any other public figure who serves God looks. We are all really just a big ole' mess without our God.
"He doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." Oh, how many times I have heard that, how many times I have heard the quote, "let go and let God!" But I couldn't do it. I didn't know how. I thought I was doing right by the internal struggles, because we all suffer for the cause of Christ, right?
The thing is, yes we do suffer for His name's sake. Many Christians today, who serve God and truly surrender ALL to God are faced with many things and many struggles to be able to carry out the will of God. But it is from the obstacles that Satan puts in their way. It is from the struggles with the outside world who fight so hard against ANYTHING God has for His Children today. But we are not supposed to suffer because we are insufferable. Because we are withholding our own blessings and not allowing God to work in and through our lives.
You see, the day I fell on my knees, and said, "Oh my God, where are you? I need you to take this away from me!" "I can't possibly do all of this on my own. I have to give you EVERYTHING!" was the best day of my life. I had to give Him my relationship with my husband, my children, and my church. I had to give Him my finances, my bills, and my troubles, great or small. I had to surrender my heart, my mind, my stubbornness, my pride, and my LIFE to Him, and Him alone.
It was the sweetest part of the surrender. It was like this huge yoke or beam had been removed from my shoulders. I could feel Him pouring out His Sweet Spirit on me, right there in my living room. In the quiet of the day. In my moment of utter humility, weakness, and surrender. I realized, God doesn't NEED me, He WANTS me. God doesn't have to have perfection, He wants us to seek to be more like Him, throughout our lives. I will not be perfect until I am HOME with HIM.
Surrender, surrender it all. Give him everything! You will still have moments of weakness and doubt, you're human, and we all do it. It is in those moments though, that we stop and realize that God is in control, and all our efforts are for nothing without Him. And we begin to hold on to His hand once again, and give him the struggle, you will realize that you are hitting the mark with Him. That is all He is asking for, you to call on HIM when you are in need. When you struggle, don't hold on to it. Surrender!
